Warning: this is NOT a positive, uplifting blog post. It’s the exact opposite of that. Depressing and raw with emotion. So if you’re looking for kittens, rainbows and unicorns check back in a week. HA
As the majority of the country was welcoming the first day of fall this past weekend, I was experiencing the greatest fall I’ve been through in a long time.
Sept 22nd was the best-worst day of my life.
For those of you who may not have been aware, I was hosting and sponsoring a music festival set to take place in my backyard this past weekend.
I woke up to sunshine but a distressing call from a crewmate.
Billy: “Hey. Today’s gonna bomb.”
Uhhhhhhhhh, what? As I stumbled and stampered trying to collect my response my brain still wasn’t even able to process. I just said, “I’m gonna have to call you back.”
Checked the weather and got back to him minimizing his concerns when it seemed only an hour was a threat of rain. We could work around that.
I proceed with the best of spirits but before I was even able to have a sip of coffee, I dealt with fire after fire. A rocky morning no doubt. I felt the festival was falling apart from under me as I was frantically, optimistically light warrior’ing that shit.
(I love this saying so much I have a sticker and magnet of it in the shop!)
Through pitfalls and blunders in all directions, I embraced this saying and was convinced this was all going to be worth it. We’d press on for success, finding solutions to each and every problem.
That is, except for one thing I had absolutely no control over. Mother nature had other plans.
As extended rain snuck itself on the radar for longer and longer, by 12 noon I knew I had to gather up the crew and make the call. I abandoned my photo shoot concurrently going on in the front of the house while I walked out to the stage in the back. In less than 5 mins the reluctant decision to cancel was the cold, hard consensus. :(
I went into crisis-management mode and followed all the formalities I thought were appropriate. Making the tough calls to musicians and vendors to let them know about the cancelation and also inviting them over later for drinks and an acoustic set in my living room. We felt this would help soften the blow. The drinks were my gift to them and music would help heal the situation for all involved.
Meanwhile, my photo shoot was still going down. I basically released my models/friends and my photographer to my yard with bubbles and said, just keep shooting as long as you can until the rain comes.
The afternoon was a blur of continual action in all the different directions I was pulled. The shell shock did not hit me until hours later when I sat down to style my face with glitter, body art and rainbows for the next photo shoot.
It all sort of sunk in. And to say I was crushed would be an understatement.
My tears superseded the rain that ended up preventing us from shooting the last segment.
I was devastated. As someone who put the most work and finances into making this festival special and making it happen, who fought for it during times of challenge, who pulled in resources out of nowhere...I was extremely disappointed.
Hundreds of hours planning, coordinating, promoting, logistics, knocking off to-do lists (3 google docs to be exact), product and merch orders, deadlines, etc. It consumed my life and my calendar existed of meeting after meeting the past 3 weeks. Today is completely empty (except for work).
Hundreds of dollars were spent on the event.
I was fully mentally, physically, and spiritually invested. All for what.
All the signs were steadily pointing me to the execution of this plan in all directions. Did I not read them correctly? How could I have been misled. Selfishly, why was going through all of this necessary?
All I wanted to do was create a platform for UNITY; to enrich the local community by uplifting local bands, feature a talented Master Chef, donating to my favorite charity, etc.
I even wrote out the host announcements, promotional and inspirational snippets I’d say on the mic...including loving introductions for the bands. I woke up with them resounding in my head. I wanted to be the tribe leader. Send the message that I am here and that Star Seed can always be your home. To grow, activate and gather the tribe - and to make some sales of course ;)
Where the dust settled, the Fall Equinox was filled with high highs and the most crushing lows. I feel like someone died. A true loss of this baby that I was growing and nurturing but now is gone and for factors outside of my control.
I’m fully aware that I’m succumbing myself to this self-pity party that I normally do not allow myself to exist in. Sometimes every positive word you try to speak to yourself seems to backfire and make yourself feel worse (I don’t even get how that is possible?).
“Things happen FOR YOU not TO YOU.” This time, this saying was not helping me see the light in the situation.
We all have moments in life that cripple us into a depression. This happens to be one of those rare moments for me. And I'm publically mourning.
It rained all day Sunday and I stayed in my bed all day - only venturing out into the world briefly to grab brunch with a couple friends.
At this present moment on a wet Monday, the skies are mimicking my mood: foggy overcast with spontaneous, intermittent periods of rain.
At the risk of sounding spoiled while wallowing in my woes, I’m used to getting what I want from the universe. LOL I am a hard worker, positive affirmer, love myself and love others. I had only the purest of intentions set out for this festival.
I took refuge in my surrender and this morning heard the statement “This is bigger than me.” while I was getting ready.
The rain not only squandered the success of our mini-festival, it also caused another major music festival (30k people) in the area to cancel portions throughout the weekend. I’ve got to admit it did make me feel better when I found that out. If nothing else, it released any burden I felt and confirmed I made the right decision.
If mother nature had other plans for us - maybe it was to allow everyone to slow down for a bit.
Though this wound is fresh, there was some magic and unity that still happened that day.
Good things that came of it.
- We had a beautiful, magical photo shoot. It involved cartwheels and ballerina moves (WOW - check out that form!)
- My “good vibe tribe” thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I was glad to see the models and photographer were free-spirited and living in the moment of joy. Their heartfelt support in my brand while I was out of the picture (literally) was everything.
- The handful of impromptu spiritual talks that wouldn’t have happened without the gathering
- My psychic abilities to “read people” heightened - all except for being able to predict the weather. Ha.
- We converted my living room into a stage and still had musical friends sing/play their hearts out. (Video is in the FB event link)
- Somehow a $100 bill snuck its way into my purse? I still have no recollection of collecting this or anyone making a purchase that involved change.
- I got to rock a sick faux hawk I and bejewel my face to play the “Tribe Princess” role I had always wanted to do. :)
At the end of the day, I’m grateful for ALL the homies who came in clutch. Who supported me and my brand. Who made me laugh when times were tough.
Where do I go from here?
Though we were not given the opportunity to raise $ for my favorite charity, I’ve decided to put my heart into volunteering with them this month. Perhaps planning a day with my nephew to tag team and show this community some love while spending time with him is the way to go.
- To get event insurance (especially for outdoor events)
- I have a natural affinity as a Promoter and Event Producer
- Lots about faith and trust in the universe. To not take what is in 3D reality as the end all be all. Being open to miracles happening and trusting things will work out.
Also, as crazy as the whirlwind was leading up to the event, Star Seed saw some small wins and successes within the past month that nearly got swept under the current. I’m proud of each and every one of these:
- Three product sales (whoop, whoop)
- One new shirt release
- 5 new stickers launched in the shop
- Saw 900% growth on my FB page (please be sure to “like” the Star Seed page. Thanks for your support!)
- Posted my first promo video - “Calling All Stars” (This was a huge triumph and major milestone for me - considering the personal barriers I have with being dumb when it comes to video. And for the work it took to getting the right song and final cut of the video under a tight deadline)
- We reached over 1k people in Nashville through event promotion
- Spreading the love with positive inspiration. We saw this post shared over 81 times!!! That’s incredible to know it is resonating with people so much right now!!! To think, I created it almost a year ago.
- Another lifestyle photo shoot in the books. Can’t wait to share the beautiful photos with y’all. (Hope you enjoy these unedited, behind-the-scenes shots.)
I hope for anyone out there reading this and going through something, that you too count your blessings, take all the time needed to heal and love yourself more than you ever thought was possible.
As they say, “You gotta FEEL to HEAL.” The wound is still fresh and much healing is in store - so it’s hard to see where the light is shining through the fog on my current path - but I hope it ends in love. After this rain, there will surely be a big, bright AF rainbow. 🌈
In Love and Oneness,