This is a continuation of my last blog post where I shared “Sept 22 was the best worst day of my life” and shared my experience of a fall that launched head first into a depression. Here’s the link if you want to read some background, A Fallen Star.
I’m gonna be honest, y’all. The end of Sept leading into Oct was ROUGH. I was sucked into the black hole that is depression.
It’s like I just couldn’t kick it, and every time I tried positivity it just made it worse and triggered even more pain. Seriously?? How is that possible???
It was clear to me I could not fight my way out of this with positivity. I had to go thru the grueling darkness in order to get out the other side.
This is tough for anyone and I truly feel for any soul out there who is or has gone through depression before.
We all process things differently but for me, this was serious and ultra scary. My whole identity is wrapped up in being a positive, uplifting spirit toward others. I've always been like this since I was a kid. I remember sneaking little love notes and handmade gifts into the jacket pockets of "grown-ups" just to make them smile and feel loved. So when I felt like I couldn’t help myself much less other people, I lost my will or desire to live.
That’s right, I said it. I’m being real and that was the place I was in. Did I consider suicide...I’m not going to deny the thought across my mind a few times.
The truth is, depression is a realllllllly scary thing. I’m not even sure there’s a road map or special “12-step” program out there.
When you’re in this state, you can’t see the light. Or when you’re lucky enough to see a crack of light through the dark void, you can't feel it or embody it.
It’s unsettling. You feel like you can’t claw yourself out of it no matter how much you try. It's out of your control and you sink in deeper feeling even more powerless. There’s also this fear and panic of, “When will I ever feel myself again? Will I ever get out of this darkness?!?!”
During this time it felt like I couldn’t even hear from my own internal guidance system as I was desperately crying out several times throughout the day, “Hello, hello. Is this thing on? Are you there???...”
Flying blind, I was stuck in all areas of confusion during this dark night of the soul:
Am I causing this state of darkness with my thoughts/attitudes/emotions?
Or am I responding to a necessary healing that needs to come out?
What is wrong with me?
Will I ever feel myself again?
What the fu** is happeningggggggg??
How scary it is to feel alone, abandoned by spirit, and sucked into illusion when your only weapons of light are making it worse! The result is the feeling of being trapped and not knowing if you’ll ever get out. If you’ll ever be yourself again.
I was stripped of desire for really much of anything in life. Meanwhile I had family, friends and freelance obligations I dropped the ball on. It’s not like me to fail others or my work. I didn’t exercise for a week. So far from who I am and not knowing what this was lingering deep down in order to know how to heal.
As vulnerable as a crab without a shell, I begged for clarity. I begged for healing. I begged for rescue. I begged for the light.
I felt like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh with a rain cloud that followed me around all day. Could barely carry on normal conversation without tears breaking to the surface.
All the while observing all of this, I just kept saying, “I hope what I’m going through helps others one day.” Trying to take the perspective of something positive to come out of this experience.
“It's about the journey”
After 6 continuous days of rain, the skies cleared and lit up with the sun one Friday morning. I shot out of bed with excitement and enthusiasm as if I had just broken out of jail!
As I was shuffling about getting ready that morning, I heard my inner voice say, "It's about the journey. You're not heading any-WHERE. This is not linear. So just enjoy it as it comes."
Later that morning I tuned in to a Positive Head podcast (episode 783), The Path is the Goal. While listening at work, I was presented with synchronicity after synchronicity in connection to what I had been going through. Layering in signs I had also been receiving that week with the message that, ultimately, this was an important and necessary part of my journey.
Feeling the call, I wrote in to the host of the show, Brandon Beacham via an iTunes review because I knew how much he enjoyed these things.
A couple days later, he followed up with me with yet another synchronicity that tied it all together.
The signs delivered were magical and was like a big hug from the universe to let me know things were going to be okay. He then read my review in the next episode he recorded called, Float On with Synchronicity Ripples (episode 785) if you want to read the whole thing. (Skip to about 7:40 if you just want to get to that segment.)
Humbled by this beautiful connection, the universe certainly had gotten my attention. I’m forever grateful for Brandon and his team for all they do at the Positive Headquarters to save space for others who are going through things. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of the story.
Sometimes experiences are merely just that! Meant to serve you up an experience - not an outcome. It’s about the journey.
Feeling the worse of the storm was behind me, I embraced the blessing that the depression forced me to a halt my speeding workaholic locomotive and temporarily stripped me of my identity.
"Depression is your avatar telling you it's tired of being the character you're trying to play."–Jim Carrey
I’m not sure I’m fully through the woods on this as I dance uncontrollably in and out of depression - but it makes those ‘happier’ times all that much more delicious, precious and magical.
My message to you
“The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.” –Caroline Myss
To anyone that may be going through something like this, ride the wave and be easy on yourself.
I certainly don’t think I know the secret, “do this and you’ll feel better” therapy because I truly feel that the only way out is through. But you don’t have to journey alone.
A support system with a healthy perspective is essential. (Be wary of bad advice - despite the best of intentions.) You can reach out to me ANYTIME, a loved one you trust, or a support group you’re drawn to. Trust in the process and listen within.
When it’s possible, make every effort to stay positive, my friend. Though you may feel isolated, don’t believe that you really are. I know its nearly impossible, but I believe even a few moments of positive affirmations helps keep your head above water while you ride the wave—rather than being taken under the current where things can get real ugly real fast.
Last parting sentiments
Know that you are loved. Source loves you unconditionally and has your highest, greatest good in mind. Always. My advice is to continue to seek guidance and listen within for answers. When it seems like you're talking to a dead line on receiving end, be patient. The answers are coming.
“Death is stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to “die before you die” —and find that there is no death. –Eckhart Tolle”
You’re going through this for a reason!! Your soul may be detaching from the deep grips of the ego, clearing old ancestral energy that no longer serves you, clearing karma from past lifetimes, or who knows what! There are so many facets and complexities to the soul and how we're affected by energy unseen that it's difficult to diagnose on a surface level. At these trying times, I always think back to when a friend told me this, “When you become of more light, the light automatically wants to draw out the dense energy or ‘darkness’ out.” So even if pinpointing the source of the pain isn't working, know that the process delivers regeneration.
Destruction (death of former self or shedding ego to name a couple of examples) is the same energy as creation. One is simply a contracting form of energy while the other is an expanding form of energy.
Death precedes birth. Eventually, life follows with death only to be rebirthed again. And the cycle continues on. You may look at this as a cleansing cycle so your star may shine BRIGHTER.
During this process, I've found it's important to allow it to unfold and not put extra pressure on myself to perform. Be easy and try meditating or doing creative activities that put you "in the zone." This opens up a modality for inner channeling, safe healing, and expression.
Lastly, be patient as this is not an overnight process. Stay strong and know it's ok to use your support system. I am so proud of you for your courage and sending you SO much light and love.
In Love and Oneness,
Positive Head Podcast #783, #785 - or - pick any episode at random that you're called to!
Jim Carrey explains Depression in the Best Way I’ve ever Heard (article, Elephant Journal)